These are excerpts from “How to succeed in Undertaking”,
published in the New York Times, November 7, 1971
Avaricious businessmen who traffic in other people’s sorrows?
New York needs more funeral directors
To replace the ones who have died.
It’s a natural transition.
It takes a certain kind of personality
Profit plus value
He drew a chart showing typical casket customers
23% are in the $995 and above category.
The most important quality is charisma
With special emphasis on what is called
Grief therapy
And Accounting
In order to serve the bereaved
More efficiently.
Lord Nelson was returned in a barrel of brandy.
People are standing around
To see how badly the bodies are damaged.
Students learn to mold noses and ears
And pride is not uncommon
And that helps boost business.
Burying celebrities also helps.
Sometimes, clients make unusual requests
But
The money is good.
Compiled by James K. Richardson